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Top Five Ways To Improve Conversation Immediately
"Communication is a skill that you can learn. It's like ridinga bicycle or typing. If you're willing to work at it you canrapidly improve the quality of this very part of your life."
- Brian Tracy, Author and Speaker
This report is based upon two kinds of research: First, research in the social sciences such as psychology, sociology, and communication studies. Second, 25 years of observation by the author of people engaged in conversation in many settings: couples, families, business talk, meetings, mixers, informal small talk, professional consultations � a wide range.
These five items are distilled from what I have observed and what the research reveals. Adopting even one of these will make a positive difference in improving your conversational skills. Each will have an immediate positive effect. Adopting them all could transform your experience of conversation.
TOP FIVE WAYS
1. Show interest in and be curious about those you talk with.
In conversation, to be curious is a definite plus. Being curious about another person helps to engage us and to validate that person as interesting. On the other hand, if we seem bored by or indifferent to the person, they feel invalidated, as if we are saying �You hold no interest for me. You are not interesting.�
Not to be curious can be troublesome in life. As human relations speaker and author Dale Carnegie wrote:
�It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow order viagra men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.�
Consider the spouse who shows no curiosity about what hispartner is thinking or feeling, or the parent who does not wonderabout the thoughts and inner lives of the children. Consider themanager, thinking s/he knows everything about the business andwho expresses no interest in the employees� ideas. We know theresults: Distance and negative feelings between the people.
The good news is that we can choose to be interested orcurious. This is an act of intention. For example, whohas not taken a required course of study that �held� nointerest at the outset but then, when you saw that beinguninterested in the subject resulted in poor learning andgrades, you decided to be interested in order to learn better.
The same is true for our interest in other people. Forexample, a husband whose marriage is troubled and who facesseparation and even divorce because he expresses so littleinterest in his wife may choose to �become interested� abouthis wife and what she has to say. When he changes his thinkingand his attitudes, his conversational behavior also changes.He pays close attention. He asks questions. He listens carefully.
I notice that many people try to appear interesting themselves instead of being genuinely interested in others. When we show interest in others, they usually begin to show interest in us. However, when we try to be interesting, we often look self-conscious or even vain, whereas being genuinely interested in other people makes our conversations and life experience a rich adventure.
2. Balance the talking and listening. Take turns.
We Americans tend mainly to be out-going, extraverts, talkative. That�s probably a plus, because we are an optimistic, �can-do� society. However, for relationships, lots of talking cheap viagra and too much talking can be harmful to personal and business relationships.
The scientific evidence suggests that balancing our conversation so that everyone gets a turn who wants a turn is supportive of social relations. In informal conversation, balance requires that speakers monitor themselves so that they do not dominate by talking too much. It is also important for more quiet people to speak up from time to time so that the talkative ones don�t think you are giving up any interest in sharing your ideas.
Balancing the talk doesn�t require a strict 50-50 distribution. The ratio can be 80-20 and still be balanced, as when one person is mainly interviewing the other who of course will do most of the talking. The key here is not so much the actual time each one talks. It is the taking turns that matters. One person may ask a brief question that requires a long, detailed answer.
Having balance in a conversation suggests safety andfairness and creates a supportive climate for honest ideasto be expressed and heard. In large groups, a chairpersonor a facilitator can monitor and direct the talk and makecertain everyone has a chance to speak fully. In casualconversation, we must manage ourselves to make surewe have balance.
3.Give genuine compliments and real praise when appropriate.
Some people have trouble giving compliments. Others have trouble receiving compliments graciously. Most of these troubles are caused by upbringing and culture. All of these old habits can be eliminated and replaced with kinder and more generous behavior that fosters better relations between people.
The fact is, such public and global praise is suspect, not helpful. And not only for children, but for adults as well. Writing in his landmark 1996 book, �Punished by Rewards,� Alfie Kohn makes four solid points about giving compliments and praise:
a. �Don�t praise people, only what people do. It�s less likely that there will be a gap between what someone hears and what he thinks about himself if we don�t make sweeping comments about what he is like as a person.�
b. �Make praise as specific as possible. Even better than �That�s a really nice story� is �That�s neat at the end when you leave the main character viagra a little confused about what happened to him.��
c. �Avoid phony praise. . . . One symptom of phony praise is asqueaky, saccharine voice that slides up and down the scale and bears little resemblance to the way we converse with our friends. A four-year-old can usually tell the difference between a genuine expression of pleasure and phony praise, between a sincere smile and one that is manufactured and timed for best effect.�
d. �Avoid praise that sets buy viagra up competition. Phrases like �You�re the best in the class (or for adults, in this department),� whose �most pernicious effects . . . encourage a view of others as rivals rather than as potential collaborators. What�s more, they lead people to see theirown worth in terms of whether they have beaten everyone else �a recipe for perpetual insecurity.�
Kohn supports each of these points with solid research as hesuggests ways to encourage people and build their intrinsic motivation.
During my early life I had difficulty giving compliments, and now I enjoy doing so. The Scandinavian culture I grew up in was not comfortable with compliments because parents believed that kids would �get a big head� and be prideful. I also had trouble giving compliments because I DID see my fellow students and friends as competitors in classes and on the playing fields. I needed more maturity to be able to give genuine praise to my rivals.
For many years now I have enjoyed complimenting others inspecific ways because I can see the positive effects that result.When I coach professionals on their performance, the specificcompliments I give them on their behavior and the work theyproduce helps them grow and develop.
Some time ago, a student asked, �Whenever I compliment myfriend, she resists. How can I make my compliments stick?�
Try this method: Add a question after your compliment:
�I think your new hairstyle is stunning, Sally! Who did it for you?�
Adding such a tag-question at the end usually prevents the person from avoiding the compliment because they are responding to the follow-up. �The way you read the poem was deeply touching, Fred. Did you practice it many times?�
Finally, if you yourself tend to deflect compliments, try harder to accept them. A simple �Thank you� to the one offering the compliment will do. After you run the billiards table, or score perfectly on the test, it�s simply not appropriate to refuse a compliment. Nor is it genuine for the football star who scores seven touchdowns to say �It wasn�t me; it was the other guys on the team.� When you receive a genuine compliment, acknowledge it and let it in!
4. Keep your positive energy up.
When we interact with others, we exchange not only words and bodily expressions alternative to viagra. We also give off � exchange � our vital energy. If our energy is high and vibrant, we lift the conversation. If it�s low and sluggish, we sap energy from the encounter.
A professional colleague, Dr. Robert Rausch, is a specialized consultant to many large companies. In his work with management, he has them look at those factors in the company that drain human energy and those factors that increase the energy. Energetic people thrive, and low-energy peoplebarely survive. His excellent book, �Energy Matters,� gives you many ideas on how to enhance your personal energy and avoid being drained by difficult or toxic interactions.
Many ways are available to increase and maintain our personal energy. Among them are well known methods, such as being well nourished and well rested. Also, keeping our interactions positive rather than negative, focusing on what�s good and what works instead of griping and complaining. A fine resource to enable positive talk is the book, Encyclopedia of Positive Questions by Diana Whitney and others (2002). This approach of �Appreciative Inquiry� is now being widely used in organizations to make the energy more positive and motivating.
When we are energized, we are able to be responsive, alive to the situation and the person we are talking to. Our voice andbody reflect our responses and add color and flavor to our talk.When we don�t have enough �gas in our tank,� being responsiveis difficult at best.
In recent years new understandings have become available about how best to manage our bodily energy. Most are easy to learn and can be self-applied. Here are some excellent references if you wish to follow up on this topic:
Energy Medicine, by Donna Eden (1999)Become an Energy Addict, by Jon Gordon (2003)The Mars and Venus Diet and Exercise Book, by John Gray (2003)
5. Ask better questions
A routine question will evoke a routine response. Thus, �How�s it going?� will generally get a �Fine, thanks,� or perhaps a �I can�t complain.� If the purpose of the question is only to acknowledge an acquaintance briefly and move on, your purpose is served. This is the social function of language that the anthropologist Malinowski called �phatic communion,� which is nothing more than a brief and superficial verbal connection, the smallest of small talk.
However, if you�d prefer a more substantial conversation, you�ll need to use a different question to evoke a different response. A deeper and more detailed conversation will certainly be less predictable and probably more interesting, and it will likely have the effect of enriching your relationship.
Here are four suggestions for more productive questions:
1. Ask questions that elicit detail. These are often �What?� questions.
For example, �What did you finally decide about relocating?� or�What did you do on your trip to Mexico?� will usually stimulate detailed responses. Questions that don�t require detail, such as �How are your plans coming along?� and �How was your trip?� can be answered with a mere �Good, thanks.�
2. Ask open questions that require more than a Yes or No. These are the �Wh� and �H� questions beginning with What, Why, Where, and How. These work better than �closed questions� that limit the response, such as �Did you like the movie?� Instead, �What did you like about the movie?� draws out a more interesting and detailed response.
3. Ask some questions that are a little bit surprising or �edgy.� These are not meant to put the person on the hot seat, or to make them uncomfortable, but to stimulate and get a lively response instead of a routine response. �What�s the most exciting/challenging thing that�s happening with you at this time?� is such an edgy question. Predictable questions usually evoke predictable responses, such as �What did you learn in school today?� �Oh, not much.�
4. Use some �If?� questions such as �If you had the means topursue your dream occupation, what would it be?� Or �If you could have dinner generic viagra with a famous person, whom would you choose?� Such questions break out of the routine and add some fresh energy to the conversation. By the way, don�t ask others any question you yourself would not want to be asked. Also, be prepared to answer the very �If?� questions you ask. The other converser may say, �Let me think about that for a minute. Meanwhile, you go first.�
For some excellent examples of effective questions, check this book, Questions That Work, by Andrew Finlayson (2001)Although it�s mainly for business and professional life, this book has many good ideas about the structure of questions that apply to any conversation. As well, it contains plenty of question examples, such as �27 questions to inspire creativity in a group.� and �66 questions to ask when you�re investigating a problem.�
===============================================
Loren Ekroth �2004
Water Filters - Part I
Water filters. Pretty simple concept, right? Turn on your tap, let the dirty water run through the filter and into your glass goes some nice clean contaminant free water. And in theory it is a simple process. Unfortunately picking a water filter is not so simple as their are many different ways to filter your water and many different types of filters to filter your water with. So which ones are best? The answer to that question is viagra probably eternally elusive but at least in this article we're going to review some of the different order viagra types of filters that there are so you can make an informed decision.
Probably the most common water filters are charcoal. The charcoal is actually gotten from coconut husk. The charcoal absorbs the impurities out of the water. Charcoal water filters make up about 95% of all the water filters in use. The reason is because they are simple cheap viagra to install, relatively cheap and remove most of the toxins found in the water. An average charcoal filter will last alternative to viagra between 6 and 9 months before it has to be replaced. Some charcoal filters are enhanced by the use of silver which gives you extra antibacterial protection. Charcoal filters are probably the best buy buy viagra for the money.
Not quite as common are what are called reverse osmosis water filters. These filters use a fine membrane to filter the generic viagra water through an osmotic process. These filters, unlike charcoal filters, take everything out of the water, leaving them totally pure. These filters are installed under your sink and require a serviceman to come out every few months to install a new membrane. There is some debate as to how beneficial these filters really are since they also take all the good minerals out of the water as well.
Another type of water filter is the distiller water filter. These filters use electricity to heat the water to its boiling point. The impurities are left in the boiling container and then the purified condensed water drains back into a clean container. These filters require an enormous amount of power and don't give an immediate supply because the boiling process must be completed first. There are reports that claim that distilled water is not good to drink long term because it actually takes nutrients from your body because of the unnaturalness of the water.
Then there are ionized water filters. Ionized water is water that has been electronically altered by being run over by positive and negative electrodes. The water then becomes ionized by separating the water and the minerals in it into alkaline and acidic water. You end up with 70% alkaline water and 30% acidic water. Both waters have excellent properties. The alkaline ionized water is used for drinking and is a great antitoxin for the body. Acidic ionized water is used primarily for bathing and is supposed to be very good for killing bacteria.
In our next article we'll go over some additional types of water filter and treatment systems.
I'd Like $50 on the Predators!
Rick It was learned on Wednesday that former Flyers star and current Phoenix Coyotes assistant coach Rick Tocchet could be in some hot water with both the NHL and the New Jersey State Police, after authorities busted a sports gambling ring he helped finance. According to authorities, �Operation Slap Shot� (real creative title there guys, I guess �Operation Icing� and �Operation Crosscheck� were both already taken) uncovered a sports betting system that processed more than 1,000 wagers with a total of about $1.7 million on professional and collegiate sporting events during a 40-day period. Tocchet has been identified as a partner and cheap viagra financier of the ring (along with a New Jersey state trooper), and State Police also say that "Police Academy 5" star and wife of Wayne Gretzky, Janet Jones, placed bets for players on the Coyotes.
No one involved has been accused of betting on hockey games, by the way. All bets order viagra were made on sports other than the NHL. So, we�re not talking about NHL players placing bets on their own games, like Pete Rose did. Still, this could be a major scandal for the NHL. Perhaps even more shocking to me was the fact that I had no idea that Rick Tocchet was still in the NHL! Did you know he was a coach on the Coyotes? And did you know that he and Wayne Gretzky, the Coyotes head coach, were BFFs? It got me to thinking� with Tocchet turning to the gambling industry following his playing career (with a little coaching mixed in), what jobs do you think some ex-Flyers may be pursuing now that their playing career is finished, and what jobs do you think some current Flyers may pursue when they hang up the skates?
(Cue the dream sequence sound effects and graphics�)
Mike Bullard � Dentist (if anyone knows about dental work, it would be �ol �Gappy�)
Tim Kerr � Hunchback (years of back problems)
Dominic Roussel � Motivational Speaker (centering around teamwork)
Ron Hextall � Anger Management Coach (because he always kept a cool head)
Brian Propp � Anything but a radio color analyst (damn, too late)
Peter Zezel � Teen Magazine Editor (hell, he appeared in buy viagra enough of those things anyway)
Eric Lindros � Mafia Hit Man (fuhgeddaboutit)
Billy Tibbets � Unemployed (it�s hard for a rapist to find a good job nowadays)
Kjell Samuelson � Lumberjack generic viagra viagra (obviously)
Keith Primeau � Let�s just have Keith be able to run on a treadmill for 10 minutes without falling over alternative to viagra before we give the guy a job
Chris Gratton � Not sure exactly, but I do know that he�d get a promotion then crumble under the pressure of higher expectations
Chris Therien � First things first. Let�s just get the guy to retire first and then we can figure out a job for him. RETIRE CHRIS!
Garth Snow � Sofa Maker (hey, the guy likes padding)
Donald Brashear � Professional Swimmer (just like the NHL, he�d be the only black guy out there)
Those are just a few. And hey, let�s make this interactive. Make sure to click on the forums link, reply to this column and add a couple of your own! You can use any current or former Flyer. Maybe they�ll check in sometime if they�re low on ideas or worried about what they�re going to do when they decide to retire. In the end, they�ll thank us.
In the meantime, Tocchet is expected to be arraigned within the next 7-10 days and will most likely be suspended by the NHL for his role in the gambling ring. And Rick, if you do end up having to do a little time in the pokey, tell Billy Tibbets we all said hello.
Old Tea Traditions
Tea has been consumed in China for centuries, but other cultures are rich in history of this popular beverage as well. Two of those countries, Russia and England have developed decidedly different traditions over the years.
It is said that drinking tea began in China where over 5000 years ago, leaves from the plant accidentally fell into water being boiled for drinking. Needless to say, it was found to be very refreshing and it's use became widespread. Tea was introduced to Europe through the Portuguese in the early 1500�s cheap viagra and it didn�t take long for this beverage to become popular in many countries and traditions for English tea parties and Russian tea were formed.
This drink became so popular in both countries the each developed certain traditions as well as pots, vessels and cups to drink it from. Although the introduction of tea is centuries old, the popularity of it and the traditions associated with it remain in these cultures to this day.
In the early 1600�s, tea made it�s way to Russia. Of course, it was only the wealthy that could afford tea at first but by the end of the 1700's the price was dropping and it's popularity was spreading throughout the country.
In Russia, tea is never taken viagra with meals. Traditionally it is taken after the meal or as a mid afternoon snack. For centuries, Russians have used a device called a Samovar to make tea. The samovar is usually put in the center of the table after dinner and everyone gathers round and takes tea which they can dilute or sweeten as they like. Russians traditionally sip tea in glasses set in silver holders and favor their tea as strong and highly sweetened � some recipes even call for tang or lemonade added to tea!
Tea was introducted to England in the mid 1600's and it's popularity spread so quickly alternative to viagra that it was soon as popular a drink as ale! In the late 1700�s to well known tradition of afternoon tea was started by the Duchess of Bedford.
Prior to that, the English enjoyed only 2 meals � a breakfast and a dinner. The dinner was served at the end of the day and by mid afternoon you can imagine how hungry and energy depleted many felt. So, the tradition of afternoon tea was begun where tea would be served along with little order viagra cakes and sandwiches buy viagra. Of course, this proved to be immensely popular and still is today!
One of the great benefits of the afternoon tea was that it necessitated fancy pieces to for service and drinking. The main pot that heated the water was usually made of silver (still a very popular item today) and this was kept over a flame so that it would be hot at all times. In addition, small porcelain tea pots were used to pour at the table and they were refreshed with the hot water from the silver pot when needed. Of course the tradition included generic viagra fancy porcelain tea cups to drink from as well. These pieces are still made and used today, and the antiques are highly collectible.
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